The 30 Second Transition

By Maria Murphy

Sometimes the most important thing in a whole day is the rest we take between two deep breaths.  ~Etty Hillesum

I was at a mentoring conference last week and one of the topics we discussed was the concept of “being present.”  I mean, we all know what it feels like when someone is with us, but not really there.  It’s a terrible feeling and it diminishes the trust we feel in that person. 

When mentoring, it’s really very easy to lose track of the importance of “being present.”  We can convince ourselves that being in the room is sufficient.  Let’s face it; we can make some great excuses for why we are distracted and preoccupied.  You know what I mean; work stress, our families, traffic.  But being there in body is not enough and excuses don’t cut it with kids.  Kids know when we are not “there” and it weakens the trust we need to build with them.

That said, how do we get to “being present?”  It’s not so hard.  Just takes a bit of effort and practice.  One of the best ways to get there is to give yourself a minute or so of transition time.  So often, we run from one activity to another and we don’t give ourselves a minute to shift gears.  The result of all that rushing can be distractedness, lack of concentration and an overall feeling of being “behind the ball.”  Creating a little transition time helps us feel centered and in control.  It is worth the effort. Take a look and try it!

The 30 Second Transition

In your car, office, at home, wherever, take 30 seconds to breathe in and out.  Believe it or not, this will feel much longer.  Talk yourself through the transition. “I am going to meet my student now.   I will put away everything else.”  Keep breathing deeply, in and out.  Remind yourself to let go of other stressors and worries.  Remind yourself this time is for you and your student.  See how it feels to give yourself 30 seconds to transition.  30 seconds to prep for your student.

Good luck and have a great month.  And remember to believe in the power of your every contribution.

Mentor Rap?

By Maria Murphy

“Break it down”  - MC Hammer

For anyone who knows who MC Hammer is, you may be wondering why one of the first mainstream rap singer’s lyrics are in an article about mentoring and tutoring kids.  Good question.  But I have to say, the words, “break it down,” from Hammer’s famous “You can’t touch this,” keep reverberating in my ears.

Lyric lore claims the phrase means either, to dance wildly, or break down the dance steps.  Either way, the words do stick. And, I believe, they are relevant to mentoring.  I have been thinking about barriers to learning for kids and teens.  There are two enormous barriers to their success listed below, for both of which I think MC Hammer can offer a bit of guidance. 

Not understanding the task at hand.

It’s so easy for us to assume kids know all the steps it takes to complete a task.  But multiplication, for instance, is not that simple.  It’s remembering how to stack the numbers and which side to start multiplying from and when to add.  It’s several very different and seemingly unrelated steps. Let’s face it, even a simple task like making your bed is many steps attached together.  Without direction, a bit of demonstration and follow up, even a bed can end up looking kind of tragic.  Watch your student carefully and assess if they know the steps they need.  Be careful not to assume.  Kids are good fakers.  They are aware of what they “should” know and many have learned to survive by covering up.  By evaluating what they know, you see exactly what their needs may be.

Feeling overwhelmed.

Some kids may have the skill set to perform tasks, but emotionally are blocked because of being overwhelmed.  Appraise the situation.  Observe their capability and proficiency and measure it against actual performance.  As adults, we know the impact that being overwhelmed can have on our productivity.  Even when we know how to do something, feeling overwhelmed can stop us in our tracks.  Same goes for the kids we are helping.

Good news.

Once you evaluate your student’s barriers, MC Hammer has the answer.  “Break it down.”  It’s as easy as teaching a skill in small steps or teaching the ability to break down tasks so they are not overwhelming.  Hammer’s got it.  See where your student is coming from and then “break it down.”  When I say “break it down,” that also means show them.  Hammer demonstrates his famous dance moves on his music videos.  Demonstrate your own “one step at a time” moves for your students who don't understand the task.  Demonstrate the steps over and over till they get it.  If, instead, they have the skills but are overwhelmed by all they have to do, show them your step-by-step moves to break it down and get it done.

Have fun, and remember, just like teaching dance moves, once you know what your student needs, you can “break it down” and instruct them step-by-step how to make the changes they need to succeed.

Please feel free to go to http://tutormentorconnection.ning.com to discuss this article.

Maria Murphy writes a monthly Tutor/Mentor Coaching Tip for this site and has been a presenter for Cabrini Connection’s Tutor/Mentor Conference. She is a speaker, consultant and writer. Other mentoring articles can be found on her blog column at http://www.simplyputtogether.com .

Be the voice in their heads.

By Maria Murphy

Most of us are familiar by now with terms like “internal dialogue” and “self talk.”  You know what I mean, that voice in our heads.  Sadly, most of us learn from a very young age, how to “do a number” on ourselves in our heads.  I am talking about comments like, “you’re never gonna get this,” “what’s wrong with you,” and “everyone else knows this but you.”

This kind of thought pattern doesn’t start when we become adults.  It’s usually rooted by the time we are knee deep in adolescence, and probably a lot earlier than that.  How we use self talk is extremely important. It’s easy to fall into patterns of unkind dialogue with ourselves. Our students are equally vulnerable.  This is all the more reason to teach them to talk kindly to themselves while they are still young.

There is a fabulous “self talk” tool I have used over the years that is simple, yet so powerful.  I call it, “being the voice in their heads.”  This is how it works.  While your student is working through a problem, you, in a very hushed tone, talk to them.  And it goes something like this.  “That’s it.”  “Good.”  “You got it.”  “Not quite.  Okay, there you go.”  “Good. Good. You got it.” 

Sound strange?  Well, I thought so, too, the first time I tried it.  I was mentoring a student who was a slow reader and I was desperate to help and not getting anywhere.  I thought that kind of dialogue would drive the student nuts.  I mean, how can anyone concentrate when I am jabbering this dribble?  But I trusted my instincts anyway and the child started improving at a faster rate.  When we were done, she was reading above grade level.  I used to think this tool would only work while mentoring academics with kids, especially kids with disabilities or deficits.  Then I started using it more.  It didn’t matter who I was working with, or what was being learned, kids were doing well and seemed to like it.  Kids would admit, “It feels good when you say that.”

It took a long time for me to realize what was really happening.  My voice was drowning out their negative self talk.  They couldn’t concentrate on what they were doing, criticize themselves and listen to me. So, being that I am a bit of a motor mouth, the negative talk in their heads was washed out.

When you practice this, you are doing three things.  First, you are cutting down any negative talk for your student.  This is a feat in itself.  Second, you are modeling strong internal dialogue. You are teaching them how to talk themselves through a difficult spot in a positive way. Finally, if you do this with consistency, you will become the voice in their heads.  When they are on their own, working through a problem, your voice will resonate in their heads….and they will be strengthened.

So, consider practicing being the voice in your student's head.  Offer a steady whisper of support as they press toward their future.  You can be their voice, until they find their own voice of support.

Organize Your Student for Success…..in only minutes!

Did you know that organization is linked to academic success?  In working as a tutor, you have the ability to model organizational strategies with your student and pave a path for their additional success.  The key here is to deliver organizational tools consistently every time you work with your student.  The changes I am suggesting are simple.  It’s that very simplicity that makes them powerful. They are easy to remember and easy to carry out! Most of us learn from modeling.  If you can model organizational tools for your student each week, you may just “imprint” these strategies on them and make the tools stick at home!

1.     Prepare the work space.  Your student will need a clean, uncluttered surface.  Ask your student if they have a “study spot” at home.  Encourage them to find a place they can use daily away from loud noise and TV.  Okay, you can stop laughing….just try and help them find the “best” spot.

2.     Prepare your materials.  Help your student “set up” the study area.  They will need their planner out on the desk.  They may need to keep most of their books on the floor if they are working at a desk with limited space. Other materials include paper, pencils, pens, erasers, calculator, etc. Remind your student to keep these supplies in their “study spot” at home if they can have doubles.  Always encourage them to keep these materials in a specific area of their backpack. It seems silly, but having the supplies ready will save time and help your student’s confidence.  Having their “tools” in place will give them a feeling of control.

3.     Assignment overview.  Look at the planner with your student.  If they have assignments they have not written into the book, suggest they write it in quickly. This will help them develop the habit.  If you do that with them every week, it won’t be long before they will see your face at school telling them “Write it down!”when the teacher is passing out assignments.  My nieces laugh and tell me they cannot get into a car without seeing my face leaning in over the window telling them to “buckle up!” Your words have tremendous power.  Say it nice and say it consistent and you will impact! 

4.     Do the work and check it off as you go.  Have your student mark it off in the planner as they go through it. This is teaching them the concept of checking off a “to do list” and no matter what age you are, it always feels good to “check it off.”

5.     Put it away.  Try and get your student to toss papers they don’t need and use whatever pockets they have in their backpack to organize their supplies and homework.

6.     Encourage. Encourage. Encourage.  Organization takes time, concentration and consistency.  If you are consistent, kind and encouraging, you will help your student develop tools that will enhance their academic success and beyond!

Please feel free to go to the discussion forum at tutor/mentorconnection.com or to http://tutormentorconnection.ning.com to discuss this article.

Maria Murphy writes a monthly Tutor/Mentor Coaching Tip for this site and has been a presenter for Cabrini Connection’s Tutor/Mentor Conference. She is a speaker, consultant and writer. The full article can be found on her blog column at http:// www.simplyputtogether.com.

February Mentor Tip of the Month

The Power of Active Listening

I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”  Robert McCloskey

I’m sorry…what was that quote?  It’s pretty funny actually.  Not to mention, quite telling.  Listening is tough business.  I mean REALLY listening.  It’s something we all look for, but often are challenged to be able to give to others.  When I practiced as a therapist, people would ask me all the time, “How do you remember that about me?”  Well, every therapist knows, it’s not as magical as it appears.  It is simply “active” listening.  That means you are concentrating your attention completely on the other person, not the dry cleaning or your next meeting or “what I want to say back.”

Active listening is not too hard, it just takes practice.  When you are working with your student, this is an incredible tool.  Concentrate on what your student is telling you.  If you find yourself getting distracted, just pull yourself back into the conversation.  A great tool for working your “active listening” muscle is the “recap.”  All you do is “recap” what the other person just told you, in your own words.  For instance, “I am sick of math.  It’s stupid.”  “You are so tired of math right now.”  This sounds like elementary communication, but I can tell you, there is nothing in this world that feels quite the same as someone looking you in the eye and “getting you.”  That is powerful. 

Good luck and have fun practicing active listening and recapping with your student.

Please feel free to go to the discussion forum or to http://tutormentorconnection.ning.com to discuss this article.

Maria Murphy writes a monthly Tutor/Mentor Coaching Tip for this site and has been a presenter for Cabrini Connection’s Tutor/Mentor Conference. She is a speaker, consultant and writer. The full article can be found on her blog column at http://simplyputtogether.blogspot.com/