Was that a MISTAKE???!!!!!

The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.

John Powell

Mistakes are a big deal for all of us, aren’t they?  So many of us were raised to be ashamed of making mistakes.  Doing something wrong, making a poor choice or decision was associated with embarrassment and even disgrace.  But if we look at people who have succeeded in this world, their lives are full of mistakes and missteps.  The difference?  How they feel about mistakes and what they do from there.

When we are working with kids, it is easy to fall into what we learned as children, repeating the words of our parents without even knowing it.  If mistakes were welcomed in your home then you probably welcome them in your student.  But if you are like so many others, mistakes and errors can come with some emotional thorns.  One of the best things we can do for the kids we work with is to teach them to untangle the thorns of the word “mistake” and focus instead on using mistakes as a tool to learn and grow.  In essence, take away the stigma so kids can use missteps to develop.  Listed below are a few tips you can use to help your student view mistakes as a chance to learn.

·         Know your own issues with mistakes.  If you have trouble seeing mistakes as a good thing, work on changing your own view. 

o    Trying simple affirmations that encourage you to see errors as a learning tool will help.

o    Use famous quotes about mistakes to motivate you.

o    Encourage yourself to use mistakes to learn.  Talk nicely to yourself and make changes based on your mistakes.

·         Start a dialogue when your student makes a mistake.  Introduce the concept of mistakes as learning tools. “I wouldn’t get too worried about getting that problem wrong.  Just means we have to problem solve it a different way.  Mistakes are a great way to learn what works. Now lets figure this out.”

·         Use famous people and their failures to show students how everyone goes through failure and makes mistakes.  “Do you think Michael Jordan was a hit in high school? Actually, he was cut from the team in his sophomore year.”

·         Use different terminology.  “Misstep” just sounds better, as do “bump in the road” and “slip up”.

·         Use movies.  Here are some great ones that show kids how mistakes are learning tools.

o    Meet the Robinsons

o    The Karate Kid

o    Daddy Day Care

Have fun with your student and look for the opportunity to shape their beliefs about making mistakes.  You have incredible power to help them view missteps as a process of growth and learning instead of a sign of failure.

Have a wonderful month and remember to believe in the power of your every contribution.

Please feel free to go to: Tutor/Mentor Connection at Ning to discuss this article.

Maria Murphy writes a monthly Tutor/Mentor Coaching Tip for this site and has been a presenter for Cabrini Connection’s Tutor/Mentor Conference. She is a speaker, consultant and writer.

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Mentor Censor

By Maria Murphy

We are there to help these kids, right?  So, it is natural that we have to talk about their progress, their milestones and their barriers.  True.  Very true.  But how we talk about our kids is very important.  Sometimes we (this means me) forget about something important.

Privacy.

You know what I am talking about here.  Little Jonny is standing next to you and the teacher is telling you how he was acting out in class and you are nodding and then you add that he was struggling to pay attention last week when you were together.  Of course, neither of you notice the other student walking by or the kids seated at their desks with their ears subtly pointed in your direction.

Well, I have been there.  Been there with my students and with my own children.  It’s not easy to censor ourselves when it comes to kids.  We want to help them, this is true, but we can forget their own need for privacy and dignity.  Yet, let’s face it; each and every one of us remembers what it felt like when adults did it to us.  We aren’t being malicious, just a bit thoughtless, really.  What to do?

Here are a couple of tools to help you protect your student’s privacy and dignity.

·         Consider who is in earshot whenever discussing your student.

·         Consider if the information being shared is appropriate for the student to hear.

·         Always have an alternative location in mind for chatting.  If someone approaches you about your student, guide them to the private area.

·         Have an exit plan.  If someone is talking about your student or another inappropriately, have a way out.  “I was just running to catch someone. I’ll speak with you later.”

·         Assert yourself.  “This isn’t the right spot to talk.”

·         Speak openly to others about the need to reinforce confidentiality.

Sometimes we mentors just need to remind ourselves to censor our well meaning dialogue about the students we care so much about.  See what happens when you develop a mindset of censoring and only discuss your student in an environment that affords privacy and dignity.

Have a great month and believe in the power of your every contribution!

Please feel free to go to: Tutor/Mentor Connection at Ning to discuss this article.

Maria Murphy writes a monthly Tutor/Mentor Coaching Tip for this site and has been a presenter for Cabrini Connection’s Tutor/Mentor Conference. She is a speaker, consultant and writer. Other articles can be found on her Mentoring Simply Put blog or her website Simply Put Together.

Do the hardest thing first

By Maria Murphy

We all know what this means.  Do the thing we most want to avoid first.  If I had a dollar for every time I avoided the hardest thing, I would be living in a fabulous beach front home this very moment.  But, alas, doing the hardest thing first is easier said then done.  There are some benefits to giving it a go, though.

Why do the hardest thing first?

The hardest thing takes up rental space in our heads.  It taxes us and wears us down. We want to avoid it because it is such a challenge.  But avoiding it costs us plenty.  Added stress.  That knot in the stomach that just sits there.  Preoccupation while we are doing other things. Berating comments we toss at ourselves while we are busy postponing.  Which brings me to another point.  Postponing the hardest thing is just another way to procrastinate.  A very bad habit.  One I know all too well. Holding off on doing the hardest thing only serves to weigh us down.

And how does this relate to mentoring?

Kids are quick studies.  We know that a habit of doing the” hardest thing first” gives us strength, reduces stress and even increases confidence.  Lets face it, we all feel better when we do the right thing.  But could a mentor teach a student the habit of doing the “hardest thing first?”  Well, yes, most definitely.  What if we mentors said to our students, “Okay, what is the hardest thing you have to do today?”  And then we followed that with, “Let’s do it.  Let’s do it first and get it out of the way.  I’ll help you and we will just knock it off. Trust me.  Everything will be easy after that.”  What if we mentors practiced doing the hardest thing, so we were prepared to teach it?  What would it feel like to teach our kids about the power of heading things off, of avoiding procrastination, of taking care of business?  Well, we all know the answer.  Great.

Try it.  Practice doing the hardest thing first.  Teach your student how to do the hardest thing.  Remind them when they are done how good it feels to do the hardest thing first.  How great.  A slight shift in how we live and how we work with our students can help them shape a powerful life tool that can give them confidence and strength.  Fantastic!

Good luck and remember to believe in the power of your every contribution.

Please feel free to go to: Tutor/Mentor Connection at Ning to discuss this article.

Maria Murphy writes a monthly Tutor/Mentor Coaching Tip for this site and has been a presenter for Cabrini Connection’s Tutor/Mentor Conference. She is a speaker, consultant and writer. Other articles can be found on her Mentoring Simply Put blog or her website Simply Put Together.

Developing Accountability

By Maria Murphy

One of the scariest things we see these days is the lack of personal accountability in the world.  The now common phrase, “not my job” has become a deeply rooted cultural dynamic.  How does that impact and shape today’s youth?  Well, we can’t say it’s a good thing. Every day, we see how lack of accountability weakens the foundation of our cultural strength.  How can a mentor help their student be different?  Take a look for some ideas.

Accountability = Power

Lack of accountability is nothing more than thinly veiled apathy and helplessness. Accountability, on the other hand, is closely linked to a sense of empowerment and personal control.  When someone takes accountability that person is not afraid to "own" their responsibilities.  When we teach kids to be accountable, we teach them to harness their own sense of power.  This promotes personal wellbeing, improves mood and helps both individuals and the community as a whole.

Do as I Do

As mentors, we have the ability to influence the kids we help.  To teach accountability, we must live it.  This is simple.  Use whatever opportunity you have to demonstrate your accountability.  “I promised I would be here today and I am accountable for that.”  “It is my job to help you with math and I can’t answer that question.  Its my responsibility to learn how to do it and show you next time we meet.”  Using the term, interpreting it, and practicing it with your student is the surest way to teach them accountability.

Shape an expectation

There is a saying that kids will give you what you expect of them.  What happens when you begin to “shape” your student toward accountability?  Shaping is not dramatic change. Rather, a slow evolution. Remember, with that accountability comes a personal sense of power, one of the best gifts we can give to our kids. What happens when you begin to shape your student toward accountability?  Here is an example.  “You are accountable to bring your reading.  That is what I expect of you.”  You begin to move your student away from excuses and patterns of helplessness and toward empowerment and accountability. Slowly work your student in the direction of being more accountable.  This is merely making them aware of the terminology, letting them know what you expect and encouraging any signs of accountability you see in your student.  If you look carefully enough, you will see plenty! Remember, the fact that they are meeting with you is an enormous example of being accountable.

Consider your own power as a mentor to impact and shape the skills of your students.  Accountability is an achievable goal when you acknowledge it, practice it and encourage and expect it in your student.

Good luck and remember the power of your every contribution!

Please feel free to go to: http://tutormentorconnection.ning.com to discuss this article.

Maria Murphy writes a monthly Tutor/Mentor Coaching Tip for this site and has been a presenter for Cabrini Connection’s Tutor/Mentor Conference. She is a speaker, consultant and writer. Other articles can be found on her Mentoring Simply Put blog or her blog column at www.simplypputtogether.com.