Promises Kept

By Maria Murphy

“Promise little and do much.”  Hebrew Proverb

I have to say, when I read this quote; I had to laugh at myself, at how easy it is to break a promise.  It seems so hard to keep to my word.  I mean well when I make a promise, but it is easy to let it fall to the wayside.  Promises are much easier made than kept.  But, all joking aside, what happens when we break a promise to a child? 

There is nothing like a kept promise to build a relationship with our students, or a broken one to chip away at it.  The number one rule of mentoring is to keep your promises, yet, it is so easy to break them.  Why does that happen and how can we make it different? 

The worst offender here is over-committing. Sometimes we over-commit because we don’t know how to say no, or we want to please or win over our student, or we just aren’t thinking about the reality of the obligation. 

The consequences of over-promising are not pleasant.  It feels like we are left with either letting someone down by failing to keep our commitment or stuck with the sense of frustration, pressure and angst we feel when we have to carry out those promises we wish we never made in the first place!  This is definitely a no-win situation.  But, what to do?

The key here is to learn to promise less.  The benefits to ourselves and the kids we work with are endless, from increasing trust to reducing the pressure we feel after over-promising. 

Try these simple tools to make keeping promises work for you and your student!

Assess

Assess your Achilles ‘heel. Know the places, people and situations where you tend to over promise.  This includes pressure you may give yourself. Be aware of your own triggers. Are you prone to say yes every time someone asks you to give more?  Know it!

Assess the situation.  Ask yourself these important questions: Do I know what this entails?  Am I able to do this?  Do I want to do this?  Will I do this? (And be honest!)

Act

Buy time.  If you aren’t sure, buy yourself time.  Use one of the following statements. "I will let you know next week during our study time."  (This gives you time to prevent impulsively saying yes.)  One simple line will allow you to take the time you need.

Know how to say “no.”  If saying “no” is the right thing, then that’s what you should say.  It’s okay to refuse.  You’d be surprised how many kids will respect a confident “no.”  For example, “I am sorry. I wish I could see you twice this week, but I can’t.”

Remember, promising less allows us to do more! Have a wonderful month and remember the value in your every contribution!

Please feel free to go to http://tutormentorconnection.ning.com to discuss this article.

Maria Murphy writes a monthly Tutor/Mentor Coaching Tip for this site and has been a presenter for Cabrini Connection’s Tutor/Mentor Conference. She is a speaker, consultant and writer. Other mentoring articles can be found on her blog column at http://www.simplyputtogether.com .