The Psychology of Service

I admit, I am a service junkie.  People ask and I can’t resist. Someone needs help with a fundraiser or a book festival or my kid’s school and there I am.  Now, I don’t work a traditional job. As a writer and former psychotherapist, I haven’t worked a traditional job in years. So, in some ways it is easier to succumb to the delicious pressure of service.  But, what is really going on for those of us who are smitten with service?

First, there is this whole need to feel connected with others.  Part of creating meaning for ourselves is the ability to connect with something much bigger than who we are as individuals. People find this bond in all kinds of organizations, hobby groups, churches, families, etc.  Most of us have an intrinsic desire to belong, a need for a sense of community.

In addition, I believe we naturally have a desire to contribute, to make our mark. We look, not only to be attached to something that is more than us, but to contribute to and impact it. It is that hopefulness for the future and belief in our ability to change the world around us that makes us so strong.

Talk about empowerment.  When we contribute to service, we are taking control in a world that often leaves us without a lot to hold on to.  In a way, by contributing, we demonstrate, not only that we have hope for a better world, but that we also believe in our own ability to change that world for the better.

When I think of the ‘psychology of service”, I realize that it really is an integral part of our drive as humans.  Whether we serve others by volunteering, donating, or fundraising, what matters is that we represent the belief in hope for a better world and the power in ourselves to create the better world we seek. I say thank you to all the volunteers at Cabrini Connection and elsewhere for believing enough in this world and yourselves to make this world a better place. For those of you considering leaping in to the world of the tutor/mentor relationship, I think wisdom can come from the very young.

“How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.”

                                                                Anne Frank

Promises Kept

By Maria Murphy

“Promise little and do much.”  Hebrew Proverb

I have to say, when I read this quote; I had to laugh at myself, at how easy it is to break a promise.  It seems so hard to keep to my word.  I mean well when I make a promise, but it is easy to let it fall to the wayside.  Promises are much easier made than kept.  But, all joking aside, what happens when we break a promise to a child? 

There is nothing like a kept promise to build a relationship with our students, or a broken one to chip away at it.  The number one rule of mentoring is to keep your promises, yet, it is so easy to break them.  Why does that happen and how can we make it different? 

The worst offender here is over-committing. Sometimes we over-commit because we don’t know how to say no, or we want to please or win over our student, or we just aren’t thinking about the reality of the obligation. 

The consequences of over-promising are not pleasant.  It feels like we are left with either letting someone down by failing to keep our commitment or stuck with the sense of frustration, pressure and angst we feel when we have to carry out those promises we wish we never made in the first place!  This is definitely a no-win situation.  But, what to do?

The key here is to learn to promise less.  The benefits to ourselves and the kids we work with are endless, from increasing trust to reducing the pressure we feel after over-promising. 

Try these simple tools to make keeping promises work for you and your student!

Assess

Assess your Achilles ‘heel. Know the places, people and situations where you tend to over promise.  This includes pressure you may give yourself. Be aware of your own triggers. Are you prone to say yes every time someone asks you to give more?  Know it!

Assess the situation.  Ask yourself these important questions: Do I know what this entails?  Am I able to do this?  Do I want to do this?  Will I do this? (And be honest!)

Act

Buy time.  If you aren’t sure, buy yourself time.  Use one of the following statements. "I will let you know next week during our study time."  (This gives you time to prevent impulsively saying yes.)  One simple line will allow you to take the time you need.

Know how to say “no.”  If saying “no” is the right thing, then that’s what you should say.  It’s okay to refuse.  You’d be surprised how many kids will respect a confident “no.”  For example, “I am sorry. I wish I could see you twice this week, but I can’t.”

Remember, promising less allows us to do more! Have a wonderful month and remember the value in your every contribution!

Please feel free to go to http://tutormentorconnection.ning.com to discuss this article.

Maria Murphy writes a monthly Tutor/Mentor Coaching Tip for this site and has been a presenter for Cabrini Connection’s Tutor/Mentor Conference. She is a speaker, consultant and writer. Other mentoring articles can be found on her blog column at http://www.simplyputtogether.com .

The Key to Connectedness

By Maria Murphy

When we are mentoring kids, building rapport is essential for our success.  Rapport is a matter of mutual trust, a sense of connection, like we matter to each other.  No therapist can do a good job without it.  Same goes for mentoring.  Kids have to feel like they mean something to us.  The work goes better, faster, even more pleasantly.

One great way to build rapport with your student is to connect with their passions.  What is it that your student loves?  What lights them up?  Is it a type of movie, a sport, a celebrity?  This is not always the easiest thing to pull out of kids, but when we do, we have been let in to the inner sanctum.

Take the time to find out what is important to your student.  And then recognize that you have been handed a key.  The key to connectedness.  All too often, we forget the importance of connecting to kids through their passions.  It is so easy to dismiss the interests of a child.  But for many kids, that passion, that interest or belief, may be just what they need to keep going. Everyone needs something to believe in.  But to have someone next to us, understanding what matters and sharing the excitement.  Wow. 

A little homework on your part will help build rapport with your student.  Do a bit of research.  Find out the details about their passion.  Learn something new and use it to show your student the respect you have for their interests and passions. If you are doing this already, keep it up.  Remember, this “key” to your student also reinforces the importance of identifying and developing our inner passions.  Give it a try.  You will learn something new, you will be another step closer to helping your student and you will give them the universal gift of being valued enough to be understood by another person.

Have fun and remember to believe in the power of your every contribution.