Play it straight with your student

By Maria Murphy

In mentoring, it is so important to be caring and consistent and kind.  But what happens when your student is running the show?  What happens when your student is oppositional or boundary-less?  How do we help our kids when they don’t understand boundaries like the rest of us?  This is not an easy task.  Anytime we have to balance between two behaviors we are going to be challenged.  Keeping warmth and rapport going while we are keeping our kids working and cooperative is tricky at best. 

Why should we set limits and stand up to our students?  Well, for starters, most of us don’t do very well when we don’t play by life’s rules.  And cooperation with and respect for others is one of those rules most of us need to make things work.  So, teaching our students the ropes just makes sense.  Not to mention, if we don’t have our mentoring relationship under “control,” we can limit how much we are helping our students.

Here are some simple ways to help you keep your student on track when you need.

1.       Prevention.  One of the best disciplinary tools is prevention.  The best way you can prevent things from getting out of control with your student is to know them and to be alert to what is happening.  Every parent knows what I mean.  A fight might be brewing between siblings.  Knowing your child’s triggers and the signs that things are falling apart can prevent a complete meltdown.  Same in mentoring.  Is your student “off” today?  Is he or she getting riled up while you are talking with another adult?  Know your student and pay attention to the surroundings.  So many issues can be alleviated before they start if we pay attention.

2.       The magic word.  “I” is the magic word.  In communication, we know that saying, “you, you , you” just turns people off.  Same with kids.  When you speak to your student using “I” statements, you open them up a bit.  Saying “I need you to pay attention now” just works better than saying “You need to listen.”  Try it.  It works like magic.

3.       Eye contact.  Yes or no?  This is a great question and my answer is both.  Sometimes you just have to look a kid in the eyes and say it.  But other times, when it feels like a power struggle, saying “I need you to….” and then averting your eyes in the assumption the child is carrying out the task works in avoiding a power struggle.  Use your judgment based on your student and the situation.

4.       Body language.  Show you are serious.  Keep your body pointed to your student and make them aware you are attending to them.  I prefer arms open to the classic arms folded across chest.  Turning toward your student shows them two things.  You are paying attention, caring enough about them and that you mean business.

Try these simple tools for keeping your student on track.  Do you have issues or concerns with your student?  Email me here and I can respond to your questions!

Have a great week and remember the power of your every contribution!  For more info on mentoring, check out my new blog, Mentoring Simply Put.

 Please feel free to go to www.tutormentorconnection.ning.com to discuss this article.

Maria Murphy writes a monthly Tutor/Mentor Coaching Tip for this site and has been a presenter for Cabrini Connection’s Tutor/Mentor Conference. She is a speaker, consultant and writer. Other articles can be found on her blog column at www.simplypputtogether.com.

This weekend I was explaining to my daughter the concept of a compass and how it works.  But she was really struggling to understand.   I gave her the example of, “If I want to find my house….” And she said, but HOW does the compass know where your house is?  Silly me.  I had left out the most important part of the explanation.  I had left out the fact that the compass was a tool that could take me to my house, not just to my house, but east to my house.  Now she got it.  In order for the compass to help, we had to know not just where we wanted to go, but the direction we wanted to take to get there.  The compass is nothing more than a tool we use to help us get where we want to go.

Well, that got me to thinking.  As mentors, we have so many tools and can always learn more to help us help our kids.  But where do we want to go with our kids and where do they want to go?  I mean, our tools can point us, but how far can we take it without knowing where we want to go?  Dan Bassill speaks of the importance of kids having goals that take them into their twenties.  I certainly have worked with enough kids that didn’t expect to live that long.  Yet, when we start to talk with kids about long term goals, we begin to open up the door to the possibility of having a future, a future they can create.  

How do we do this?  One way we teach our kids to look to the future is to live by example.  When appropriate, share stories of your goals, both past and present.  Children and teens can be inspired by our dreams and our stories of triumph.  Not all of my stories are winners, I admit.  But my lesson?  It is better to try and know if something will work than to never try at all. Our kids can reap the benefit our stories.

Another strategy is to break in to your student’s mindset and start to teach them the process of looking toward where they want to go.  When I was a kid, I heard a million times, from relatives, teachers, family friends, “Maria, what do you want to be when you grow up?” “Maria, which college will you go to?”  Growing up not too far from West Point Military Academy, I had an uncle that would always tease, “So, Maria, when are you applying to West Point?”  Now military school was not for me……but oh, the power of those words.  West Point? Well, yes I could do that.  College?  Of course.  It was a matter of fact.  Not all those people were family.  I had some teachers in my life that stared me down and told me to work hard and let me know what they could see for me in my future.  That miss-matched group of people, from people who told me to learn from their mistakes, to people who were scholars, to religious leaders;  I give each and every one of them a bit of credit for my success.  Their challenge to me, to look in the distance to where I wanted to go, allowed me to pick up that compass and start moving.

In the days to come, look at your relationship with your student and reach out to them.  Make their future part of your ongoing discussions.  Like me, your student may someday carry your words with them as they pick up their own compass and journey to their future.

Please feel free to go to http://tutormentorconnection.ning.com to discuss this article.

Maria Murphy writes a monthly Tutor/Mentor Coaching Tip for this site and has been a presenter for Cabrini Connection’s Tutor/Mentor Conference. She is a speaker, consultant and writer. Other mentoring articles can be found on her new blog at Mentoring Simply Put.

The Study Hygiene Replay

By Maria Murphy

Whenever I teach a class on sleep, we talk about “sleep hygiene,” or the habits we can create to prevent sleep disturbances.  One of the things we know about human behavior is that we learn from repetition.  Habits, good and bad, can change our lives.  The same goes for the kids we are working with.  A few key Study Hygiene habits can help our students really thrive now and in years to come.

Before I get into these easy to remember habits, one thing all tutors should remind themselves is the incredible power of repetition.  If we decide to campaign with our students and share these habits with them every week, we will begin to make inroads.  Most of us can recollect the 10 million times we were told by our own parents to, “do your homework,”  “put your laundry away,”etc.  Learning is usually not a switch, but a slow process and one of the jobs of parents and mentors is to stick with it till it’s stuck with our kids. 

Replay

The Replay is a simple tool in which you repeat things over and over. It is so important for kids to learn what “study hygiene” means.  And the best way for them to learn is to have the people who care about them replaying it over and over for them.  I recommend you go over “study hygiene” with your student every week, until the eye rolling becomes unbearable and they can replay all the facts to you before you can get your words out.  Okay, that said, here are the key study hygiene habits.

Breakfast

Studies have pointed out repeatedly the impact of breakfast on student performance and testing.  Remind your student to have breakfast and the importance of protein.  A glass of milk in the morning is associated with higher test scores with students. (Don’t forget to check for food restrictions or allergies, though.)  Regardless, a bucket of sugar is not the goal here.  Most kids that don’t have breakfast available at home have access through the school system.

After school snack coupled with homework

This is two hygiene tips in one.  Most kids are hungry after school and a bit depleted.  A healthy snack will give another energy boost.  Do homework after school!  Retention is best the quicker we revisit something.  Kids can have a snack (this is a great time to add in a second glass of milk) and knock off homework while it is fresh. This is pragmatically good hygiene because energy fades as the day goes on and it’s also emotionally good study hygiene.  Instead of homework “hovering” over a child’s head, they are free for the rest of the night.  Never underestimate the power of finished tasks on the confidence and emotional strength of your student!

Sleep

Getting enough sleep makes us all function better. When you encourage your student to get to bed on time, you are planting seeds for them to build better habits.

Try it.  Replay the 3 Study Hygiene habits for your student.  Remind them week after week.  Let them complain and whine and then tell them that you care and that is why you keep saying it.  Use that minute or so of time to educate and encourage your student to make their way to a decent breakfast or an earlier night or homework after school.  Remember the power of your every contribution!

Please feel free to go to http://tutormentorconnection.ning.com to discuss this article.

Maria Murphy writes a monthly Tutor/Mentor Coaching Tip for this site and has been a presenter for Cabrini Connection’s Tutor/Mentor Conference. She is a speaker, consultant and writer. Other mentoring articles can be found on her blog column at http://www.simplyputtogether.com .

August Mentoring Tip of the Month

Slow Dowwwwwnn……..

By Maria Murphy

One of the best gifts we can give the kids we are working with is teaching impulse control.  Allow me to explain.  Just the other day, I was watching an old episode of Family Feud.  Yes, it is still on and please don’t ask why I was watching.   But here’s the thing.  This family member shouted out the answer before the question was finished.  Sadly, she gave the wrong answer because she didn’t hear the whole question.  The other team got the chance to have their turn and took the victory.

What do teachers complain about with their students?  Issues like racing through tests, not reading the question correctly or even not checking work are high on the list.  But what’s a mentor to do?

Let’s think about this.  Slow down.  Listen to the problem.  Take your time to deal with it.  Check your work.  Forget algebra!  That sounds like a good idea in any situation.  Here is a quick and easy tool to help you help your student get there!

SLOW

S – Stop.  Stop and recognize that you need to pay attention to the problem at hand.

L – Listen.  Listen to the problem.  Read or look at it carefully and figure out what it is asking you.

O- Options.  What are your options?  Pick the best choice. Always remember to cross off the crazy choices right away.  They are not worth your energy!

W- Workwise.  Be wise about your work.  Always check your work for any errors or misunderstandings.

We can teach our kids these tools as we work side-by-side with them.  We can teach them by example, by talking them through SLOW or even writing it down.  If we can get our kids to grab onto these tools, they will have great strategies to use in the classroom, with homework and with life decisions.

Have fun and remember to believe in your every contribution!

The 30 Second Transition

By Maria Murphy

Sometimes the most important thing in a whole day is the rest we take between two deep breaths.  ~Etty Hillesum

I was at a mentoring conference last week and one of the topics we discussed was the concept of “being present.”  I mean, we all know what it feels like when someone is with us, but not really there.  It’s a terrible feeling and it diminishes the trust we feel in that person. 

When mentoring, it’s really very easy to lose track of the importance of “being present.”  We can convince ourselves that being in the room is sufficient.  Let’s face it; we can make some great excuses for why we are distracted and preoccupied.  You know what I mean; work stress, our families, traffic.  But being there in body is not enough and excuses don’t cut it with kids.  Kids know when we are not “there” and it weakens the trust we need to build with them.

That said, how do we get to “being present?”  It’s not so hard.  Just takes a bit of effort and practice.  One of the best ways to get there is to give yourself a minute or so of transition time.  So often, we run from one activity to another and we don’t give ourselves a minute to shift gears.  The result of all that rushing can be distractedness, lack of concentration and an overall feeling of being “behind the ball.”  Creating a little transition time helps us feel centered and in control.  It is worth the effort. Take a look and try it!

The 30 Second Transition

In your car, office, at home, wherever, take 30 seconds to breathe in and out.  Believe it or not, this will feel much longer.  Talk yourself through the transition. “I am going to meet my student now.   I will put away everything else.”  Keep breathing deeply, in and out.  Remind yourself to let go of other stressors and worries.  Remind yourself this time is for you and your student.  See how it feels to give yourself 30 seconds to transition.  30 seconds to prep for your student.

Good luck and have a great month.  And remember to believe in the power of your every contribution.